


Encounter Detectives

by Nnoitra



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Humor, M/M, Secret Relationship, implied other ships - Freeform, mostly i just wrote this because i needed a break from writing other things, this is pre-pokerpair, tyki considers allen and himself to be Sexual Encounter Detectives
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-19
Updated: 2020-04-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:49:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23731108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nnoitra/pseuds/Nnoitra
Summary: Kanda's banging someone, and it's probably Lavi. They just need to prove it.
Relationships: Tyki Mikk/Allen Walker
Comments: 2
Kudos: 43





	Encounter Detectives

**Author's Note:**

> Sorry I haven't been updating, but anyway, Happy Very Belated New Years! This is somewhat crack, I suppose. You can view this as implied PokerPair or just as friends, originally I was going to have them hook up but I couldn't work it in without it turning cheesy. Hell, you could even view it as pre-PokerPair. (spoilers after this bar) I just want to let you know that one of the characters in this is depicted as the same age as Lavi, so please make note of that in the end. This is set in college/University.

"It's too quiet." Allen says, biting his thumb nervously. "I told Lavi to just let Kanda have the room to himself, now he's probably _dead_." 

  
"I don't think he's dead." Tyki sighs, "They're just... waiting. Probably for us to shut up and go to bed." 

  
"Waiting for that why, though? Those two fight like there's no tomorrow." Allen scoffs, swinging around in his desk chair to face Tyki, arms crossed across his chest. "You would have heard Kanda yelling at him at _least_ three times. They're not subtle about it."

  
"I think you're misreading the situation they're in, boy." Tyki grins, "Pretty boy in there doesn't know that you know Lavi is in there. Can you imagine that idiot bounding in there and being 'Oh heads up Yuu, Allen knows I'm here so don't kill me haha'?"

  
"What're you saying?" Allen scowls, "You think my friends are hiding secrets from me?"

  
"No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you are unobservant sometimes." Tyki says, he gets up and walks to the window, sliding it open and lighting up a cigarette. He takes a long puff and glances at Allen. "They're obviously fucking."

  
Allen goes red a little, turning to Tyki he says quickly "Wha- No they're not! I would know, Lavi would have told me! We're best friends!" 

  
"I think Lavi technically has told you." Tyki says, "I mean, he literally just last week said to you, and I quote, "Well I'd better be off, got a date with The Hottest Bitch On Earth" and then he proceeded to literally skip across the field to Kanda."

  
"But Lavi almost always says that about hanging out with Kanda. Then they argue all the way back to Kanda's car." Allen says, "There's no way." 

  
"Dude they're fucking, it's so obvious." Tyki groans, "I'll prove it to you. I still bet they're waiting for us to be quiet before they start their little sex crusade. These dorm rooms walls are thin; muffling, but thin. I've been in them before, you know that." 

  
"I should never have invited you over for Monopoly." Allen hisses.

  
"Maybe you shouldn't have flipped the board when I bought both blue, but I guess we're both regretful tonight." Tyki scowls, taking another drag from the cigarette.

  
"You're regretful for buying blue?" Allen asks. 

  
"Well, not really. Just thought that maybe if I hadn't then we could have played longer." Tyki shrugs.

"Oh." Allen mumbles, "Sorry about flipping the board. Can't promise it wont happen again though." 

  
"Ok, let's start whispering now so your little friends next door can get it on and I can prove to you that they are banging." Tyki whispers. 

  
"Fine. But I can guarantee they're not." Allen whispers back, he walks over to Tyki and grabs the cigarette from his mouth. "Also, quit smoking in my dorm room or you'll be kicked out." 

  
"Fuck off, give it back." Tyki makes a grab for the cigarette, but Allen leaps back, takes a quick puff and chucks it out the window.

  
"What the hell, boy?" Tyki glowers, "You're going to start a fire doing that." 

  
"It's snowing out there, dumb-ass." Allen says, going over to flop down on his bed. 

  
"What if it goes in some poor bastards window and starts a fire in the dorms?" Tyki whisper yells, "You'll be arrested, you little arsonist." 

  
"Tyki I'm on the first floor, outside the window is literally snow covered concrete and dead plants in a garden." Allen says, "If you had ever turned up here when you weren't high as a motherfucker, maybe you would have _noticed_ that!"

  
"I'm never high, I'm drunk!" Tyki seethes, "Even then, I'm not really even drunk, just tipsy. I just don't always smoke in here because I'm usually here during the day, where I could be _caught_. So why would I just sit at the window like some soulful lonely loser?"

  
"Ugh, fair enough." Allen sighs, fiddling with a strand of thread hanging off the end of his quilt. "I just hate seeing you smoke." 

"Is it because of Cross?" Tyki asks.

  
Allen just shrugs, "You know, probably; But also because it's bad for you and I don't want to see you die from something like that." 

  
Tyki smirks, "Aww, going to miss me when I die?" 

  
"Obviously." Allen mumbles, "Idiot." 

  
Tyki sighs and sits down next to Allen. "They're sure taking their sweet time, huh? Do you think they're being all lovey dovey?"

  
Allen snorts and has to muffle his laughter in his hand, "Oh my God, the mental image!"

  
Tyki's grinning now, crossing his legs on Allen's bed, "They're probably lying there, Kanda whispering sweet nothings to Lavi as they blush and think about getting married." 

  
Allen's whole body is shaking with silent laughter, and he's trying so hard to keep himself silent.

"You know," Tyki continues, "Kanda will whisper, 'Oh Lavi, should we get a house with a white picket fence?' and Lavi will say 'Yes, Yuu, and we'll have a little garden, and maybe even a backyard.' Then they'll kiss softly." 

  
"Stop! I'm going to burst and they'll hear us!" Allen squeaks, his whole face has gone red. 

  
Tyki grins, "Kanda will causally mention adoption, Lavi will wholeheartedly agree and they'll be on their phone looking at cute pictures of little orphans in other countries. Kanda points out that one of them looks like Lavi and they'll smile and mention maybe using a surrogate mother as well as adoption. They ask Lenalee." 

  
That seems to be the breaking point for Allen and he gasps loud and lets out a huge guffaw, his body shaking with gut bursting laughs, he's clutching his stomach in pain as he scream laughs. 

  
Barely even a minute later there's angry knocking on Allen's door and he stops laughing; mostly, he's still giggling, though. Tyki and Allen peel themselves off the bed and stumble for the door. Tyki opens the door as Allen bends over, hands on his knees and panting like he ran a marathon. A very angry looking Kanda stands there.

  
"What in the _fuck_ are you assholes doing in here? It's 2:00 AM go the fuck to bed." Kanda growls. "You practicing for the circus, or something?" 

  
"We were just talking. Where's Lavi?" Tyki smirks.

  
"What do you mean?" Kanda asks. 

  
"Lavi said he was spending the night with you." Tyki says, "According to Allen, anyway. So... what have you guys been up to?" 

  
"I don't like what you're implying there, you greasy rat." Kanda scowls, "Lavi's not here though, I told him to fuck off and stop bothering me." 

  
"That hickey says otherwise, idiot." Allen grins, having finally calmed down enough. "Guess Tyki was right and I'm stupid."

  
Kanda's eyes widen and he snaps his hand over the side of his neck. "I-" 

  
"It's alright Kanda, I don't care that you're banging Lavi. I just have to live with the fact Tyki was right about it." Allen says, glancing at Tyki who looks smug as shit.

  
"I'm not fucking Lavi." Kanda hisses. "What has that shithead said to you?" 

  
"Not much, but we thought it was pretty obvious." Tyki shrugs. 

  
"Johnny." Kanda says, looking away, "I'm with Johnny." 

  
"Oh. Oh, that makes sense. Johnny hasn't been around as much lately." Allen says, remembering that Johnny hasn't been in his dorm room for a while. "Is he staying with you?"

  
"Yeah. Thought he told you." Kanda muttered. 

  
"He didn't." Allen says, "Tell him he can come collect his stuff, and that I'm still his friend so I hope he doesn't feel bad or anything about moving out." 

  
"Right. Anyway..." Kanda trails off, "Wait, why are you here Tyki?"

  
"Monopoly." Tyki says. 

  
Kanda nods knowingly, "Ok. Well, I'm going back to bed. Shut the fuck up." He turns and leaves. 

  
"What, no goodnight?" Allen calls after him. He gets the finger and a slammed door in response. 

  
Tyki and Allen go back inside and stand there in silence for a second. 

  
"Johnny?" They say at the same time. 

  
"Then who is Hottest Bitch On Earth, if not Kanda?" Tyki says, his hands are itching to grab a cigarette from his pocket.

  
"Well there's only once person who hangs around Kanda enough for it to be a coincidence that Lavi just happens to say Hottest Bitch On Earth anytime Kanda walks by." Allen says.

  
"Well I have no idea who the fuck that could be. I don't go here, remember." Tyki glances at Allen.

  
"It has to be Alma." Allen says, he's sure of it now. "It's gotta be Alma." 

  
Just then, Allen's notification tone goes off and he pulls his phone out of his pocket. "Huh, Lavi's just posted a photo on Instagram." 

  
"At 2 in the morning?" Tyki raises an eyebrow. 

  
"We're up, aren't we?" Allen says.

  
"We were playing Sexual Encounter Detectives, it doesn't count." Tyki shrugs. 

  
Allen sighs, opens Instagram to check Lavi's account. He clicks on the photo. The caption says 'After Sex Bliss is the best feeling on Earth'. Allen and Tyki just stare at the photo of two people snuggling in a single bed, noticeably Lavi's own dorm room. 

  
"Woah." Tyki says. "Did _not_ see that coming. I didn't even know they knew each other."

  
Allen just stares, he can't find words to say so he just hits the like button and closes the app off. Well, they were in the same art class as Kanda after all. "I mean... I can see that happening. I guess. This is weirder for you than it is for me."

  
The picture was of Lavi and Wisely.

**Author's Note:**

> I wanted a really good twist at the end, but I couldn't think of anyone who could be of Shock Value But Also Makes Sense. So I thought I'd tease Tyki a little bit at the end there. I admit, I was considering Jasdevi for a bit, then even Tiedoll for Big Shocks but my heart settled on Wisely and Lavi because when I was 7th Grade, so so many years ago, it was my crack ship alongside Allen and Wisely. Though, I really had intended it to be Alma. As for Kanda and Johnny, I chose them because I actually do ship them, but for Shocks, I was going to have Kanda and Link, and my idea was that Lavi (not canonly liking Link), was trying to be a dickhead and crowd Kanda so he couldn't chill with Link, but then I thought... not much to that, and I didn't feel like writing too much today (because for sure, I would have turned that into a much bigger way less of a crack fanfic).


End file.
